Curiouser and Curiouser

Ramblings. Sometimes, I like to pretend that I have more depth in me than what my superficiality has to offer. This is one of those days. The word ‘ramblings’ is not at all new to me. It’s one of those words that you first hear being used on tv when you were in high school, and was easy enough to understand just by listening to how it was used (I think there’s a term for that, but it escapes my memory right now), you know, one of those words you didn’t really need to look up in a dictionary. But somehow, today, of all days (actually, there isn’t really anything special about today, I’ve just always wanted to say that but was never presented with the opportunity), it just struck me out of nowhere while I was in the middle of one. I was, at the time, trying to debate upon myself how vicious a cycle being taken for granted is. It’s a question, actually. A question I am so desperate to know the answer to, hence the rambling. You see, in my twisted hindsight, I find it so unfair how one, such as myself, can just give and try his entire life and not get a single thing in return. I know that it sounds simple right off the bat, and sure, there’s no doubt you’ll probably agree to what it says. But I find this statement to be so encrypted with layers and layers of subtext that I know, once segmented, will reveal multitudes of curious queries for you, too. Ramblings are not just excessive thinking. You may not realize, but they’re still thoughts and, more importantly, they’re yours. Yes, they do seem random and arbitrary (duh, that’s why they’re called ramblings), but they carry so much honesty and reality to them. For me, they’re extensions of your very own persona.

You wouldn’t believe it, but this was actually inspired by a memory of mine from the not so distant past. This memory, which was merely from yesterday, finds me on the brink of finishing my petite (which, on a side note, is just as satisfying as the fiesta) halo-halo, that I so casually laid aside in order to attack my chicharap (yes, I had my merienda delivered from Chowking; as if the halo-halo wasn’t clue enough) with much fervored gusto. And as I munchingly devoured (what? I was famished) the crackling-upon-contact-with-saliva things, my enthusiasm was halted when a pestering house fly (or fruit fly, i don’t really know or care) decided to join in. As I nimbly swatted at it with the backside of my slackened hand, it merely dodged impact, then plainly returned to it’s original spot very near my cold treat. I kept shooing it away, and it just kept coming back to feed on the spilled droplets of evaporated milk that clustered beside my halo-halo. And as my patience quickly wore thin with how unrelenting the fly became, I was struck with the thought that a deep-thinking optimist (which is the exact opposite of myself) would merely see this as a chance, a God-given opportunity, to exercise that which makes him just that – an optimist. He would see this as a perfect analogy for human virtue. As humans blessed with sentience, we are expected to realize that ‘trying’ is merely a by-product of gumption, and the key to a triumphant success. And with that in mind, I started to think to myself. Would things have been different if I tried harder in life? No doubt, things would definitely be different, maybe even better. But I know for a fact that not all things would be affected in the same way. I’m referring to emotions, you know, those God-awful things that make us human. When it comes to matters of the heart, things always tend to be a little trickier. If I tried harder with love, would things be any different than the way things are now? Would things have been for the better if exerted just a little more keen effort, like my little fly friend (who I killed, by the way, in the office, with murder weapon newspaper)? Or is a little more just way too much effort already? Because when you go through what I’ve been through (and I’m hoping someone actually has), is that much effort actually even worth the risk or the trouble? Would I be in a loving relationship right now if I had pursued ‘her’ even when I know deep down I would be fighting a losing battle anyway? I tried, and I’d like to think that I gave so much, but when is it ever enough? Should I have tried harder? God knows I probably would have. But was I just supposed to keep doing it forever? Cuz that’s an awful long time of hurting. A very accidentally wise colleague once said, “if it’s meant to be, it will be.” So naturally, it goes both ways. If it isn’t meant to be, it never will be. Should I have put in that much effort in something that will never give me anything in return? Shouldn’t I be using this much energy on something else instead, something productive? Don’t I deserve rewards too? They say each of us has a shot at happiness. Yeah, okay, so maybe I made that up. But isn’t it true anyway? I mean, some people (ehem, ehem) are already not living life at all, should they be deprived of that one shot still? When you try and you keep trying, and nothing ever comes your way, isn’t it just more practical to be realistic, in the sense that you understand that there may never be anything for you this one way, and that you should move on and try another route? But what if the other party doesn’t think you’ve tried enough? That’s the thing, isn’t it? You just never know for sure. There’s always that possibility, no matter how minute, how slim the chances of that happening are. But sometimes, isn’t all this trying tiring? Should we always attach ourselves to that small glimmer of hope? When your life is as dreary as my existence, should you always look forward to a silver lining, when there isn’t even a possibility of one? Or is that just allowing others to add insult to injury? It’s pretty much a no brainer that it’s an unfair deal to the ego to receive so much humiliation, but to keep doing it to yourself…? I guess the question now becomes, when it’s as universal as faith, when it could just as well be considered a religion, how important is it to believe in hope, when there’s a fifty-fifty chance it might be false? Heh, see what I mean by rambling?

Ramblings. I like the sound of it. It’s like ‘unorthodox’, or ‘mediocre’, or ‘apathy’. Ramblings. Yeah, I definitely love the word. It has an inescapable level of uncertainty that’s almost unintelligent, but not really. I think it’ll make a permanent home in my vocabulary, and quite a lovely addition, don’t you think?

*rawr*

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~ by iamnotfrodo on April 19, 2007.

2 Responses to “Curiouser and Curiouser”

  1. how are you dear

  2. fine, thanks. ^_^

    uhm, do i know u?

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