Coupling, Ep1: “Flushed”

Everyone who knows me should know by now that my favorite TV show of all time is the British comedy, Coupling, written and created by Steven Moffat, who is a god (my favorite TV show RIGHT NOW is Chuck, not that anyone’s asking, but when you’re referring to all of damned eternity and/or teh quintessential Friendster/MySpace profiles, I would readily say Coupling). If you ask someone and they FAIL! to answer this fact correctly, then that person is simply not my friend-o.

For the life of me, though, I can’t understand why I’m the only one who ever liked this show, at least in this part of teh whorldz. Which brings us to why I devoted long hours into making this transcript in the first place. I guess my thought process was that maybe, just maybe, after reading this piece of sh*t, people will actually give this show the accolade it truly deserves.

This is the very first episode, aptly titled “Flushed”. As with most first episodes, it marks the first time we are introduced to the show’s characters. Look at dees guy, so lame with the FAILed attempts at sarcasm! In this episode, we see the character St- eh, just go read it!

DISCLAIMER: The following transcript is meant for entertainment purposes only. I am merely a fan and not, in any way, shape, or form, affiliated with the show, the people behind it, and the network and production company that aired it (BBC2/Hartswood Films). All rights belong to them, and them only!!

Coupling (Ep1: Flushed)

(Act 1)

2 men are walking down a street.

Jeff: You really gonna do it?
Steve: Oh yeah.

Cut to another part of the street. 2 women are walking down the street.

Sally: Did he say what he wanted?
Susan: *shakes her head* Not a word.
Sally: Maybe he’s gonna propose. *Susan giggles*

Cut back to the 2 men’s part of the street.

Jeff: You think she knows you’re gonna dump her?
Steve: If she don’t turn out by now, I don’t haven’t asked four times since I’ve seen her.
Jeff: So what goes wrong?
Steve: We have sex.
Jeff: …You have sex?
Steve: She makes me.
Jeff: *stops Steve in his tracks* …How?
Steve: She suggests it.
Jeff: …She suggests it?
Steve: Exactly. *walks away*
Jeff: *pauses dramatically* Evil. *walks after steve*

Cut to the women’s side of the street.

Susan: You said you had a fantastic time last weekend.
Sally: Yeah. And you think he knew that?
Susan: One swallow doesn’t make a summer.

Cut to the men’s side of the street.

Steve: So last time I dumped her, we had, like, amazing, fantastic, borderline illegal sex. Now she thinks we’re back on.
Jeff: Well, that’s ridiculous.
Steve: I know! One swallow does not make her my girlfriend.

Cut to the women, now inside a pub, ordering at the bar.

Sally: Maybe you should marry him.
Susan: It’s not like that, it’s very casual. It’s really just sex with a fringe of conversation.
Sally: But what if he’s your last-ever man? What if you’ve used up all your go’s? Remember, every morning your face has slipped a little bit more. Since 30 I’ve had to put a limit on facial expressions. I only ever smile at single men, so I can justify the loss of elasticity.
Susan: Is this how your mind works all the time?
Sally: The only reason I work is so I stop worrying about my hair.
Susan: And this from my beautician.
Sally: Which reminds me, facial, Wednesday evening.
Susan: Yea- wel- just don’t count everytime you find a wrinkle!
Sally: *apalled* Do i do that out loud?
Susan: You’ve got a running total in my file! *both takes a seat on the couch* Sally, does it ever occur to you that age brings wisdom and greater confidence?
Sally: *sighs & rolls her eyes* Susan. Age brings you more to shave.

Cut to the men just outside the same pub. Steve is pacing back & forth.

Jeff: *looks confused* So you dump her and she does this suggesting thing?
Steve: Yeah. You know, I was just about to leave, I’m thinking I’ll be finally out. She just leans over, looks me in the eyes and goes, “I’m wearing stockings.” *Jeff perks up upon hearing this statement* She’s never worn them before. Not once in the entire relationship! I begged!! *starts to walk away*
Jeff: Yeah, but Steve, you’re entitled to her stockings! *Steve stops*
Steve: Am I?
Jeff: *walks up to steve, excited* Yes, you’re still in the zone!
Steve: The what?
Jeff: The boyfriend zone! This is the, the- tailing off period! You still got a load of stuff in her flat. You might still have a wedding to go to together. You’re under joint headings in your friends’ address books.
Steve: And that means I’m entitled to see her underwear?
Jeff: If it comes up! That’s the rules of the zone! Good luck in there, steve. *shakes his hand*
Steve: You’re a strange and disturbing man. *Jeff mouths a thank you, then they start to go their separate ways*
Jeff: Steve! D’you know what I call this kind of woman? You know, the type you can’t get rid off?
Steve: *crosses arms, smiles* Is this gonna be really tasteless? *Jeff laughs* Am I gonna be ashamed to be your friend?
Jeff: No, it’s a technical term. It’s just a harmless expression.
Steve: *sighs, motions for Jeff to give it to him* Alright. Hit me.
Jeff: *makes a gesture* Unflushable.
Steve: Turn around, Jeff. Walk away.
Jeff: You know, ‘Cause it keeps bobbing around!
Steve: Go, Jeff! Go!! *Jeff starts to walk away* Go. *Jeff looks back* Don’t look back! Go!

Steve goes into the pub and starts looking around. Another man walks in behind him. Camera cuts to susan waving him over.

Susan: Hi, Patrick!
Patrick: *waves back* Hi, Susan. *he walks over to where the ladies are*

A girl walks in through the door behind him and goes up to Steve.

Jane: Hi, Steve!
Steve: …Jane.

“Steve & Jane”

Steve & Jane, sitting at a table somewhere in the pub.

Jane: And so my sister said no. So I said yes. And then she said no again, so I just said yes. But then she said no, so I said yes, yes, yes!
Steve: How does this story end, exactly?
Jane: She said I had an answer for everything.
Steve: …Right.
Jane: And I just said, ye-ess!
Steve: Jane! Okay, um, listen to me, okay? Um, I- I know I’ve tried to say this before, a-and I know I don’t seem to get anywhere. B- but this time, Jane, I’m gonna put it very, very simply… It’s over between us.
Jane: … … …You want us to split up?
Steve: Yes! Yes I do!
Jane: …I don’t accept.
Steve: What?
Jane: I don’t accept!
Steve: No, n- no, you can’t not accept. I’m breaking up w/ you.
Jane: Well, don’t I get a say in it?
Steve: Of course you don’t!
Jane: Well then if I don’t get a say in it then I don’t accept it! Anyway, then my sister just looked at me and said no, no, no!

“Susan & Patrick”

Susan & Patrick, plus Sally, in a couch somewhere in the pub.

Sally: Marrying Kelly does not fancy you!
Patrick: I can tell from the way she acts around me. She finds me attractive.
Sally: Is there any form of female behavior you don’t interpret as finding you attractive?
Patrick: *looks thoughtful* It’s never really come up.
Susan: Uh, if you two are finished, *turns to Patrick* I thought you wanted to speak to me?
Patrick: Yeah. Yeah, I do. *turns to Sally* Could you give us a minute? *Sally starts to leave*
Sally: Marrying Kelly thinks you’re a complete idiot!
Patrick: Then why does she keep looking at my ass when we’re talking?
Sally: She’s lip-reading. *leaves*
Patrick: *moves to sit beside Susan* We need to talk.
Susan: Sure.
Patrick: About our… relationship. *Susan looks surprised* I’m just starting to think it’s all getting a bit hot & heavy, and we both need to back off and- cool down! You know, maybe we should just both think about where everything’s going, or whether we’re starting to commit more than we intend to, or… Or what.
Susan: …What relationship?

Cut to Steve and Jane’s table.

Jane: And then my sister said absolutely not. So I said absolutely ye-ess!
Steve: *rubs his temples* Doesn’t matter whether you accept it or not! It’s over! You’re dumped. Look, um… it’s not you, okay? …It’s me.
Jane: Then why am I the one that’s getting dumped? You should be the one that gets dumped.
Steve: Exactly! It’s all my fault. So dump me.
Jane: Nnooo…
Steve: what!?
Jane: we can work on your problems!

Cut to Susan & Patrick’s couch.

Patrick: I can’t believe you!
Susan: Well, I di- I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings! I just never saw it as a relationship and such. I just thought we’re having a bit of fun! A bit of sex!
Patrick: *laughs nervously* Yeah, that’s what I thought, I mean, that’s pretty much- pretty much the way I see things.
Susan: *laughs heartily* Well there you are then!
Patrick: Yeah!
Susan: I mean it’s not as if we’re being faithful or anything. *Patrick looks unnerved* Oops.

Cut to Steve & Jane’s table.

Steve: You’ve got to let me out. Please!
Jane: Look. Why don’t we give it… a year.
Steve: *looks appalled* Because if we give it a year I will end up horribly murdering you and hacking up your body!
Jane: Okay… How long do you suggest?

Cut to Susan and Patrick’s couch.

Susan: I’m so sorry. I had no idea.
Patrick: It’s fine.
Susan: We were only seeing each other once a week! That’s not exactly a sex life. You must’ve been doing a lot of, um… solo flights.
Patrick: No, I wasn’t!
Susan: Oh, come on!
Patrick: I certainly was not! I was saving it all up for you!
Susan: *accidently snorts* No, really!? *Patrick looks apalled* Oops.

Cut to Steve & Jane’s table.

Steve: Some relationships are supposed to end. There are some relationships that the world is just better off without! *brandishes knife* …Remember Crippin(???)!?
Jane: Here we go. Bring up Crippin again. You seem to forget that Crippin’s enjoyed many happy years of marriage before he murdered her.
Steve: Please! Listen to me!
Jane: They didn’t give up straight away. They worked at it! That’s the real lesson of the Crippins.
Steve: He killed her, and was hanged for her murder.
Jane: Yes! Eventually.

Cut to Susan & Patrick’s couch.

Susan: Look, I’m not saying it wasn’t good. I’m just saying it didn’t seem like a week’s worth! *Patrick looks hurt* No, don’t look like that! Not everyone has my level of sex drive. I mean, for a start you’re a bloke-
Patrick: Alright! Alright. I wasn’t gonna say anything, but actually… I’ve been seeing someone else, too.
Susan: …You’ve been cheating on me?
Patrick: What?
Susan: Is this true, Patrick?
Patrick: But you were cheating on me!
Susan: I wasn’t cheating. I wasn’t being faithful. You were being faithful, and that means you were cheating! And I thought I knew you.

Cut to Steve and Jane’s table.

Steve: D’you know what I’m gonna do? *Jane shakes her head no* I’m gonna walk out of here. *stands and puts some money on the table* Whether you accept it or not, I’m never gonna speak to you, or see you again. That is it! I’m through!
Jane: Iteve, if we’ve just-
Steve: Don’t- don’t… start suggesting things. *Jane looks down at her chest* Or telling me what you’re wearing. *notices Jane staring at her own chest* Or doing the thing with your breasts! I’m going.
Jane: I just wanted you to know something.
Steve: You know it’s not going to work, Jane.
Jane: I’ve experienced a passionate connection with you that I’ve never encountered before!
Steve: Not listening!
Jane: I’ve never known love-making so electric!
Steve: *pauses to think* Nope, it’s having no effect.
Jane: Except! Perhaps once with Arthur, you know, the night before he left for the gulf.
Steve: *looks annoyed* There is no level of cheap manipulation that will work, jane! *opens door*
Jane: And maybe a couple of times with Elizabeth. *Steve stops dead in his tracks, Jeff comes in through the door*

Jeff: Hey Steve! Guess who? *gives a small laugh* Listen, there’s, ah, something I forgot to tell you about the- *trails off after seeing Steve’s slackened expression* Steve? *starts waving his hand across Steve’s face* Steve, are you alright?
Steve: … … …I was this close. *makes a ‘small’ gesture with his fingers, then runs back to Jane*
Jeff: Evil. *looks around and spots Susan at her couch* Susan? Hey!
Susan: Hi.

Cut to Steve and Jane.

Steve: Y-you never told me about… Elizabeth.
Jane: You know I’ve had relationships with other women.
Steve: No!! You’ve never told me that! Not once in the entire relationship! I begged!!
Jane: well, it’s too late now.
Steve: NO!! I’m still in the zone!! *spittle flying out of his mouth, although that may not have been part of the script*

Cut to Susan & Patrick’s couch. Jeff is now being introduced.

Susan: This is Patrick, and this is Jeff. He works in my office.
Jeff: *shakes Patrick’s hand* Hi, you alright?
Patrick: *shakes Jeff’s hand back* Good to meet you.

Steve and Jane are seen running behind them towards the loo in a hurried frenzy, pushing people away in the process.

Jeff: So, um, how d’you know Susan, then?
Sally: *pops her head in view from the couch behind susan & patrick’s* She just dumped him!
Jeff: Ohh, great!
Susan: Oh, looks like I’m on queue for a loo break. Excuse me a sec. *leaves*
Jeff: So. Dumped, and still here, eh? So you’re a *makes ‘blah’ gesture, Patrick and Sally, surprised, scuttles away* you’re an unflushable.

Cut to a bird’s eye view oF Steve and Jane making out heavily in the loo’s cubicle. Susan walks in and heads for the sink and starts fixing her hair in the mirror. Steve suddenly stumbles out on his way to the vending machine for a condom, spilling his change on the floor. He hurriedly starts picking them up.

Susan: Um… Isn’t this the ladies’? *Steve looks up*
Steve: Sorry. Just, um… *looks at vending machine, then decides against it* just washing my hands. *pockets change & goes to the sink*
Susan: And the money’s for…?
Steve: *points at sink* …Do you get this free at the ladies?
Susan: *smiles, obviously charmed* Apparently.
Steve: Yeah, um- well, um, I think that I’ve humiliated myself in front of a complete stranger, this couldn’t get much more embarrassing, could it?
Susan: So how are you these days, Steve?
Steve: …Right.
Susan: We met at my office party. Um, Jeff invited you, I think. And you spent the whole evening arguing with some woman… about crippin. *Steve glances shiftily towards the cubicle* Yeah, um, I was rather insulted. I seem to remember I was trying to chat you up at the time.
Steve: Oh…!
Susan: So… Have you seen that woman recently?
Steve: *remembers Jane in the cubicle and turns on the faucet* … … …Define recently?
Susan: Okay, look, I better-
Steve: Nonononono! Um, maybe we could, um, uh, you know, m-meet up some time?
Susan: Well, yeah. You know where I work. Jeff’s got my number. Nothing to stop you from calling me.
Steve: Great.
Susan: Great. *heads for the cubicle*
Steve: Where’re you going??
Susan: …In there?
Steve: Why, what are you gonna do!?
Susan: You know, that’s not a level of detail most people look for.
Steve: *hurriedly blocks the cubicle door from susan* Sorry, um… still using it.
Susan: What?
Steve: Haven’t finished… *looks unsure* I was on a break.
Susan: *looks at the sink* You got out to wash your hands… during-
Steve: Yes! …It’s been a tricky one. *hurries inside the cubicle, while Susan, left unsure what to think, decides to leave the loo*

Cut to the inside of the cubicle. Jane, still in the heat of the moment, starts kissing Steve all over.

Steve: …L-look, look, um… I don’t think this is such a good idea anymore!
Jane: Ohh, you’re just getting all confused again. I’ll tell you what. I’ll take my clothes off.
Steve: *tries to avoid looking at Jane undressing* …No! No, no, no, that’s not gonna work. Look, whatever you might think, whatever everybody might think, it just so happens I’m not- *accidentally looks down jane’s nakedness* COMPLETELY SHAVED!! …I mean, shallow!

Cut to the bar where Jeff is waiting for his drink at the bar. Susan comes up to him.

Susan: Your friend, Steve, um, is he alright?
Jeff: Yeah, yeah. He’s, ah, having a bit of trouble at the moment. He’s got an unflushable.
Susan: Ohh…! Oh i see. You mean he can’t-
Jeff: No, no! Not so much can’t. It won’t!
Susan: Won’t!?
Jeff: The last minute he gets all sentimental! *the bartender hands him his cocktail and he leaves*

Cut to the couch.

Sally: So. Back on your own again, eh. Back out there.
Patrick: You’re smiling at me! I don’t think I’ve ever seen that.
Sally: You’re a single man now. You’re qualified for my elasticity.
Patrick: …Is that as good as it sounds?

Cut to a shot of the loo’s cubicle, where the door is repeatedly banging against the latch, and moaning sounds are heard from within.

(Act 2)

Steve & Jeff are playing a video game in Steve’s apartment.

Steve: So, ah… h-how well d’you know Susan? Are you close?
Jeff: Close. I’ve got her cycle in my organizer. *Steve looks at him, bewildered* Woah, wait. Are you thinking of asking her out?
Steve: I already kind of. Why, is it a problem? Wha- you wanna, *makes gesture* you know?
Jeff: …Yeah, well, we gave it a try, but… it was a long time ago. Didn’t really work out. I think I made her nervous.
Steve: That’s understandable.
Jeff: So, uh, am I next to finish with jane, then? *Steve looks at him poignantly*

Cut to a flashback of the loo’s cubicle door banging on the latch, with Steve and Jane moaning clearly heard from the outside.

Cut back to the boys in Steve’s apartment.

Steve: Define finished.
Jeff: *groans defeatedly* uhh, Steve! Have you finished with Jane!? A-are you out of the zone!? Because if you ask Susan out while you are still seeing Jane, that could be a problem later. So. Where were you, zone-wise, with Jane when you asked Susan out?
Steve: *starts fidgeting nervously* …Well, you know, um… pretty much… in there.
Jeff: Yeah, yeah, but where exactly? You know, like, uh, *makes hand gestures* middle, edge-
Steve: During.
Jeff: During? During?? *makes rolling gesture with finger*
Steve: I-it’s not as bad as it sounds! No, I was… In a toilet cubicle with Jane. When I was getting out to get a condom, I asked out Susan.
Jeff: … … … *raises his hands* The zone has a new king!! *starts bowing graciously* But you will rule alone!

Cut to Susan & Jeff’s office. Susan is walking down a corridor, just as Jeff is getting out of a room.

Susan: Jeff!
Jeff: Hello!
Susan: Um, that, ah, that Steve guy…
Jeff: Hm-mmm.
Susan: How well d’you know him? Are you- are you close?
Jeff: Oh sure! We’re porn buddies.
Susan: Porn buddies?
Jeff: Oh yeah. Yeah.
Susan: Is this a code? Were you two in… prison together, or something?
Jeff: No, no, no, it’s, ah, it’s a safety precaution. You know, like a scuba diver dives with a buddy in case he runs out of air.
Susan: Okay, so are you telling me that ah, a porn buddy stands by with oxygen?
Jeff: Noo, no. Many years ago, steve & I exchanged house keys.
Susan: Are you sure this isn’t code?
Jeff: It’s not code.
Susan: Alright.
Jeff: In the event of Steve’s death, the 1st thing I will do, upset though I will be, is go straight to his house and remove all the pornography before his parents can find it!
Susan: *snorts a laugh* You’re kidding me.
Jeff: Yeah, he’s pledged the same for me. *brandishes his fist in susan’s face* That’s how close we are!
Susan: You guys have seriously made arrangements to destroy your dirty mags?
Jeff: Who said destroy? Re-moove.
Susan: Yeah, you wouldn’t keep them… Would you?
Jeff: I-it’s a perk…?
Susan: Ohh, jeff! *walks off towards her office, Jeff follows her*
Jeff: But that’s the beauty of it, you see. Your best friend’s dead, but there’s a bright side!
Susan: *sits down behind her desk* You’re trying to put me off him, aren’t you?
Jeff: *sits down* No way! Why would i do that?
Susan: Well, I know it was a long time ago, but, um, *does rolling-hand gestures* you and me? *looks at Jeff pointedly*
Jeff: Yeah, well, it… didn’t really work out, did it?
Susan: You know, I never understand why I made you so nervous. *Jeff sighs frustratedly* I’ve never seen anyone look so terrified.
Jeff: It’s all in the past, that! Please… forget about it! *the phone rings*
Susan: *picks up receiver* Hello? …Oh, talk of the devil, hi Steve! I was just talking about you with Jeff, *Jeff moves to stand nervously by the door* Your buddy. …Um, *checks her planner* tomorrow evening… would be fine, yes. I may have to a be a bit later, I’m supposed to be having a facial… Okay… Then we could have a good long chat about Jeff!

“Getting Out of the Zone”

Steve, in his apartment, picks up the phone to once and for all end things with Jane. He gets her machine instead.

Steve: *under his breath* Great! I’m out of the zone. I am finally out. *machine beeps* Jane, hi. This is Steve. Um, look, there’s something I’ve been trying to say, and, um, I think by now you know what it is. So just listen… You are a beautiful, sexy, highly intelligent woman, & a man would have to be insane not to want to spend the rest of his life with you-
Machine: This message tape is now full. Please hang up. This message tape is now full. Please hang up…

Steve hangs up, and stares at his tv set, a bewildered expression on his face. “Zone of Terror” appears on the screen, and suspense music is queued.

(Act 3)

Steve & Jeff walking down the street.

Steve: Jeff, i’m going on a date. Why are you following me?
Jeff: I just think you might need a few last minute pointers.
Steve: Jeff…! *they stop walking* Um, here’s a pointer for me. This is dinner for two. *Steve walks off, Jeff follows suit, and faster*

Cut to inside the restaurant. Steve is pissed at Jeff, who’s sitting across him in a corner table.

Jeff: *nervously chats up the angry Steve* Quality, nice!
Steve: Susan’s idea. She’s gonna be here in an hour.
Jeff: D’you know the biggest Turn-off on a first date?
Steve: You??
Jeff: Discussion of mutual friends. *suddenly realizes what Steve just said* An hour?
Steve: Yes! She’s having a facial… and I’m trying to avoid someone.
Jeff: Who??
Steve: *glances over at the door* Oh my god!
Jeff: What? *looks in the direction Steve’s looking at*

Cut to a shot of Jane entering the restaurant, looking around. She spots Steve, and waves at him enthusiastically.

Cut back to the boys’ table. Steve is waving back

Jeff: Have you been completely clear with her that it’s over!? *Jane has come over and starts kissing Steve, hard*
Jane: Mmm…! Hello, gorgeous! And… *glances at jeff, then waves him off with a hand and turns back to steve. Jeff looks a bit dejected* I got your lovely message. You know I feel quite flushed!
Steve: How did you find me here?
Jane: The usual.
Steve: *puts on a sarcastic tone* Oh, right! So, what, you phoned my flat, found out I wasn’t there. So then you phoned all the local taxi companies, and found out which one had picked me up, & where I’d gone. And then you phoned all the local restaurants and found out which one had my booking!
Jane: Well, if I didn’t do that, how would we ever see each other, hm!? God, remember when I gave you such a big fright you almost fainted? Where was that?
Steve: *uses deadpan voice* Prague.
Jane: You should’ve seen his little face. He cried!
Steve: Jane, listen- *he and Jeff accidentally glances toward the door. They both stand in shock*

Cut to shot of Susan walking in.

Cut back to their table.

Jeff: Oh my god! The Zone really hates you! *he rushes to Steve’s side, pushes him in Susan’s line of sight and positions his body to block jane*
Susan: Hi! Didn’t expect you to be here already.
Steve: Didn’t expect you…! Thought you’re having a facial.
Susan: Oh, she cancelled.
Steve: *looks outraged* She cancelled!?
Susan: Yeah, it’s okay. I was gonna cancel it anyway. Don’t really need it.
Steve: *looks at her face quizzically* Are you sure?
Susan: …What are you saying?
Steve: Nothing, I’m just worried about your face!!
Susan: *looks questioningly at Steve, then recognizes the back of Jeff’s head* Jeff!
Jeff: *looks at Susan, feigning surprise* Susan! H-h-hi… I thought you were having a facial?
Susan: …It was cancelled.
Jeff: Cancelled!? Would you want me to have a word with them!?
Susan: *looks confused, then notices Jane’s head peeking behind Jeff* Hello.
Jane: Hello. *pushes Jeff aside as Susan walks over* I’m Jane. Steve’s girlfriend. *Steve closes his eyes, not believing this was happening*
Susan: *extends her hand for a shake* Susan. Pleased to meet you. *turns to Steve* You have a girlfriend.
Steve: Well… at the moment.
Susan: At the moment??
Steve: You’re early.
Jane: Are you seeing this woman?
Steve: No!! N-no, no. Not for another hour.
Jane: Steve!!
Steve: Okay… Y-yes! Yes, we’re on a date.
Jane: Well, I’m sorry Steve, but I simply won’t tolerate that. Look I’m very fond of you & I hope we’ll always be friends… But I’m afraid this relationship is now over.
Jeff: *pumps his fist* Yes!
Steve: Sorry… Just like that?
Jane: I’m afraid so! I just wish you would’ve said something.
Susan: Somebody wanna tell me what’s going on??

Sally and Patrick comes into view. Sally notices Susan and pushes Patrick away rather hard.

Susan: Sally? What are you doing here?
Sally: I was feeling guilty. I should never have cancelled your facial! *Susan touches her face frantically, as Patrick straightens himself up*
Susan: Patrick?
Patrick: Uh… hi.
Susan: What exactly is going on here??
Patrick: *fake-laughs* You’re asking me? I can’t believe you’re using our restaurant for your date! That’s so thoughtless!
Susan: Patrick, you’re using our restaurant, and my friend, for your date.
Patrick: …Okay, you win that one.
Susan: *turns to Sally* Okay, so let me guess. You asked him out the moment I dumped him? Sally, you don’t even like him!
Sally: I panicked! My neck looked old this morning!
Susan: …We’ll talk later. Um, steve, you & I will talk now-
Jeff: Well, anyway. *comes in between the two and puts an arm around each, all the while laughing nervously* Here we all are on Steve & Susan’s first date! Isn’t this great?? Let’s ALL have dinner and, um… plan the future! Table for six?
Steve: Jeff! J-jeff, what are you doing? A-are you worried we’re gonna talk about you or something?
Jeff: No… *laughs half-heartedly*
Susan: What is there to say? Oh, you know about me & him, right? The nerves thing?
Steve: Well, d-don’t worry about it. Jeff makes loads of women nervous. *Jeff walks away & sits down*
Susan: You made ME nervous!? You told him you made ME nervous?? Mr. I’ve-lost-all-feeling-on-my-left-side! Mr. I-think-all-my-joints-have-locked-together-can-you-carry-me-home!?
Steve: Jeff?
Susan: Didn’t he tell you? He fainted.
Jeff: Yeah, but I was only faking it so I wouldn’t have to have sex with you! *Steve crosses his arms* That… wasn’t a great defense, was it? *he notices that Jane has also started listening in* Look! Sex can be very stressful for men! You judge us on- on technique! Sensitivity! Stamina! We’re just happy if you’re naked! Half-naked! One breast!
Steve: Oh, Jeff. *smiles teasingly* I can’t believe what i’m hearing.
Jeff: Yeah, well you won’t be hearing anymore! I’m staying, and i’m monitoring the rest of your conversation!
Susan: Jeff, I wanna talk to Steve privately.
Jeff: No! No, you’re both friends of mine. if you get together, it affects me! I’m a legitimate part of this date.
Susan: Go away, Jeff!
Steve: Please.
Susan: God, what do I have to do here, beg?? Show you a breast?
Jeff: Look, all I’m saying is that f- *realizes what Susan just said* …Okay.
Susan: What?
Jeff: Okay.
Susan: Okay, what?
Jeff: Okay on the breast thing. I’ll go in exchange for a breast.
Susan: I wasn’t serious!
Jeff: Too late! I was!
Susan: Well, you’ve already seen them!
Jeff: Yeah, during a panic attack. I was blind!
Susan: Reckon you can take them now?
Jeff: Well, singly.
Susan: I wasn’t serious, jeff! You really think I’m gonna flash you in public? *Patrick walks by & overhears*
Patrick: We’re in a corner. I don’t think anyone else’ll see. *quickly stands behind Jane to get a better view, with jeff close behind*
Susan: Patrick! What are you doing? Um, you’ve seen them lots of times!
Patrick: Yeah. But now, you’re an ex.
Jeff: Ohh, yeah!! That’s the best! *Sally saunters over, just as Jane repositions herself*
Susan: What are you two doing?
Sally: Always good to see a friend’s breast unsupported.
Jane: And I just like looking at breasts.
Jeff: Oh, this just gets better and better!
Susan: Will you people get it into your heads?? I am not doing this! *Steve innocently joins them* Steve!!
Steve: Just in case you do do it! You know, technically, I’m the one on a date with you. I don’t wanna end up a breast behind everybody else!
Sally: Actually, Susan, that’s fair.
Patrick: I agree. *everyone nods in agreement*
Susan: D’you know what? I am gonna do this. I’m gonna do this just to show you how low, pathetic, and desperate you’ve all become!
Jeff: Result! *patrick pumps a fist*
Susan: But I want you to remember. I intend this breast satyrically.
Patrick: Now there’s a sentence that can’t come up too often.
Susan: *sighs* Okay. *puts on a sarcastic voice* Which one? Any preference??
Jeff: Either!
Steve: Don’t mind.
Patrick: Right one. *everyone looks at him* Trust me.
Susan: *consciously cups her left mammary gland* What’s wrong with the left one?
Patrick: Oh, don’t be like that! There has to be a second place!
Susan: Well I wasn’t aware you’d assessed them individually!
Patrick: You were asleep! I was bored!
Susan: Okay, fine! But remember, this is to show you how low you have sunk.
Patrick: Yeah, but we get to see a breast, right?
Susan: Yes!
Patrick: Cool.
Susan: Okay. Here we go. Fire one.
Jeff: No, no!! That’s the left! We want the good one. *Susan glares at him, then flings the right side of her blouse aside.*

Everyone looks at susan’s breast appraisingly, as though it was an art masterpiece. Patrick is looking smug, as if he’d been the artist.

Susan: If you only could see how stupid you all look. *their waiter comes by, and does a double-take after seeing Susan’s exposed boob* Table for 6, please!
Waiter: *unable to avert his eyes from susan’s breast* I’m sorry, I think we’re fully-booked.
Jeff: She’s got another one just like it, you know?
Patrick: Yeah… Well, pretty much!
Susan: Patrick!!
Waiter: Um, perhaps we’re not fully booked. I’ll see what I can do. *walks hurriedly away, susan re-does her blouse, and everybody else starts chatting up*
Steve: *walks to Susan* I thought the plan was to get rid of everyone?
Susan: New plan! Um, let’s see. *starts pointing at the rest of them* Your ex, my ex. Your best friend, my best friend. Well, every new relationship has baggage, so why not invite it all out to dinner?
Steve: so, I take it this isn’t a date anymore? …Or is it? Are we still-
Susan: Steve. I think in the circumstances, let’s just take it one breast at a time.

Cut to a shot of them, all sitting down at a table. Apparently, their waiter did manage to get them a table. END.


~ by iamnotfrodo on April 25, 2008.

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