Coupling, Ep.2 “Size Matters”

Here’s the transcript for the second episode of Coupling, my favorite TV show of all time.

Steve & Susan

Steve & Susan about to do the ‘squelchy’.

DISCLAIMER: The following transcript is meant for entertainment purposes only. I am merely a fan and not, in any way, shape, or form, affiliated with the show, the people behind it, and the network and production company that aired it (BBC2/Hartswood Films). All rights belong to them, and them only!!

Coupling (Ep2: Size Matters)

(Act 1)

Open to Steve’s apartment. Steve is calling Susan. He sits down.

Steve: Hi, it’s Steve.

Cut to Susan’s apartment.

Susan: Oh hi, Steve.

Cut to Steve’s apartment. Steve opens his mouth to say something, but doesn’t.

Cut to Susan’s apartment. She’s just there, waiting for what Steve has to say.

Fast forward to the bar, where Steve is telling the boys what happened.

Jeff: So what was the pause for?
Steve: I don’t know, I panicked.
Jeff: What did you do after the pause?
Steve: …Well, pause got out of control.
Jeff: You kept pausing!?
Steve: It got away from me!

Rewind to Steve’s apartment. He’s looking thoughtful, but still not saying much.

Cut to Susan’s apartment. She’s still waiting for Steve to say something.

Fast forward to the bar with Steve and the boys.

Steve: N-now first, it was just a- a normal pause. A- a collect-your-thoughts pause.
Jeff: That’s perfectly acceptable.
Steve: Yeah, but then, then I thought about the pause.
Jeff: *holds up a finger* Ahh!
Steve: And now, the pause is too long to ignore!
Jeff: Yeah, the pause is like a whole third person in a conversation!
Steve: Exactly!
Jeff: Only not saying much.
Steve: Right.
Jeff: Like Patrick!

They both look at Patrick, who’s now glaring at Jeff.

Rewind to Steve’s apartment. He’s now sweating profusely. He gulps, then licks up the sweat that trailed down to his lips.

Cut to Susan’s place. She’s pursed her lips, waiting for steve to say something, anything!

Fast forward to the bar.

Steve: N-now, I-I’m a rabbit in headlights! *gestures with his hands* You know, this pause is just… expanding and expanding like this… out of control… thing!!
Jeff: Yeah, like in ‘The Blob’!
Steve: Yes, like in- what!?
Jeff: ‘The Blob’, fifties horror movie. This blob comes from outer space and just keeps growing and growing!
Steve: Right, thanks.
Jeff: Yeah, it eats people! And in the end they kill it by electrocution! *he notices that Steve and Patrick are now looking at him like he’s gone mad* …But that bit doesn’t really apply here.
Steve: Right, anyway. Now, I’ve got a phone in my hand, and I’m saying nothing!
Jeff: Right.
Steve: No, nothing! Nothing is coming into my head! I have forgotten in one moment of embarrassment the entire English language!!
Jeff: I hate it when that happens! *Patrick shakes his head in agreement*
Steve: I can feel my hair, *he points to his head* sweating!
Jeff: Oh, God! Yeah, and there’s always these puppies up in a car you’ve got to rescue!
Steve: …What?
Jeff: Sorry, I’m back on ‘The Blob’ then. There’s always these puppies up in a car in those movies.
Steve: Okay, sorry, so, um… the blob from space is the pause-
Jeff: Yeah.
Steve: What exactly is the puppy?


Patrick: Love.
Steve: …What?
Patrick: Well, obviously the puppy represents love. You’ve got to rescue the puppy of love from the car… of… conversation. *they just look at him* That’s right, isn’t it, Jeff?

Rewind to Susan’s place.

Susan: Steve…?

Cut to Steve’s place. He’s still sweating profusely.

Steve: …Hi, it’s Steve.

Cut to Susan’s.

Susan: You said.

Cut to Steve’s.

Steve: …Right! Right, of course. *he damps his forehead with a tissue* Um… um, there seems to be a fault on this line.

Fast forward to the bar.

Jeff: Brilliant!
Patrick: Pretty good! *Jeff gives a hearty laugh, as Steve gives them 2 thumbs up*

Rewind to Susan’s.

Susan: A fault?

Cut to Steve’s.

Steve: …Y-you couldn’t hear me talking then, could you?

Cut to Susan’s.

Susan: I could hear you breathing.

Cut to Steve’s.

Steve: …Uh, that wasn’t me.

Cut to Susan’s.

Susan: It wasn’t you?

Cut to Steve’s.

Steve: …Maybe there’s someone behind you.

Cut to Susan’s.

Susan: *looks confused* I’m alone.

Cut to Steve’s.

Steve: Look! …I-I was just wondering, would you like to meet up sometime? O-or alternatively I could never phone you again and immigrate.

Cut to Susan’s.

Susan: How about tomorrow night?

Cut to Steve’s.

Steve: Great!

Cut to Susan’s.

Susan: I suggest New Zealand!

Cut to Steve’s.

Steve: Oh…

Cut to Susan’s.

Susan: Kidding!

Cut to Steve’s.

Steve: Right!

Cut to Susan’s.

Susan: Why don’t you come around to my place? I’ll cook.

Fast forward to Susan and Sally walking down the street.

Sally: You said what??
Susan: I’ll cook!! It just… came out of my mouth!
Sally: You know what “I’ll cook” says? It says “let’s have sex”!
Susan: No, that would be “come and spend the night with me”.
Sally: “Come and spend the night with me” says “let’s have sex”. “I’ll cook” says “let’s have sex and I’ll cater”! *they go down the steps to the bar*
Susan: Sally!
Sally: Susan, you are offering this man food and sex in the same place. If there’s something to read in the loo, he may never leave!
Susan: Men don’t expect sex just because you offered to cook. *they go inside the bar*
Jeff: Okay. Have you thought through your foreplay yet? *the girls hear this, and Susan drags Sally behind the partition wall*
Sally: They know about that? *Susan makes a ‘shh!’ gesture*
Steve: What do you mean ‘foreplay’??
Jeff: What do you think I mean? I mean when exactly do you take your socks off! *Sally looks at Susan confused* My advise is to get them off right after your shoes, and before your trousers. That’s ‘The Sock Gap’! Miss it, and suddenly you’re a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman would ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her! *Sally makes a ‘true enough’ expression as Susan nods in the affirmative*
Patrick: That’s your foreplay tip, socks!?
Jeff: *gives Patrick a dark glare* Many men have fallen through ‘The Sock Gap’, Patrick. *puts on a ‘narrator’ accent* Under the deadly arena of sexual delight, there lurks a deadly pit of socks. Okay, foreplay tip number two. *the girls start to walk out of their hiding place, Susan with her arms crossed. Steve notices, but does nothing* Whoever you normally fantasize about during sex, start calling them ‘Susan’. With you- with you it’s always uh, Mariella Frostrup. *Steve just grins at Susan* Well, call her Susan Frostrup! That way, when you’re in bed with Susan, you won’t shout the wrong name when you have your eyes shut!
Susan: Or you could call her God!
Jeff: Well yeah, I mean, that’ll work- *stops when he realized it wasn’t Steve who said it, then turns around*
Susan: So is it absolutely necessary to think about somebody else?
Jeff: Well, uh, everybody does! That’s why there are so many celebrity marriages.
Sally: I’m sorry?
Jeff: Well, you know, if you fantasize about someone else during sex, and so does your partner, and you know, those two people that you’re fantasizing about happen to meet while you’re still doing it, you know, they’re bound to sense something aren’t they? Because they’re connecting on a virtual plane. So, can you imagine what it was like when Posh first met Beckham? They were the epicenter of a non-stop, nationwide, virtual shack there! I mean, there’s no wonder she got pregnant!
Susan: When the van comes for you Jeff, go quietly.
Jeff: …Okay.
Susan: *turns to Steve* So I just popped in for a drink with Sal before I get home and start cooking. Wasn’t expecting to see you.
Patrick: *turns to Sally* Could I have a word, please?
Sally: Sure. *Patrick ushers her away*
Susan: *to Steve and Jeff* You guys okay for drinks?
Steve: *Jeff starts to say something, but Steve cuts him off* Yeah, sure.
Susan: *turns away, but then comes back* Can I just clarify? When I say dinner, I mean dinner.
Steve: I know that! Absolutely!
Susan: Plain ordinary cooking.
Steve: Well, I wasn’t expecting a fish course- *Jeff snorts a laugh, and Steve, realizing what he just said, looks appalled*
Susan: So you can stop worrying about your socks!
Steve: I think it just melted. *Susan walks away*

Cut to Patrick and Sally.

Sally: *holding up a ticket* A motor show?
Patrick: Yeah, I thought we could go together. You like cars, right? *he laughs* Everybody likes cars.
Sally: Would this… be a date?
Patrick: I’m sorry?
Sally: I’d love to go Patrick, but strictly as your friend.
Patrick: What do you mean ‘friend’, exactly?
Sally: I wouldn’t be your date. I’d be your friend.
Patrick: …No, sorry, still not with you.
Sally: Okay… let’s take it slowly. What do you call people you go out with, but you don’t try to sleep with?
Patrick: …Men.
Sally: Now, since I’m only a friend date, do you wanna take this ticket back and get an upgrade?
Patrick: Hey! No, we can go as the… ‘friends’ thing.
Sally: I’m never gonna sleep with you, Patrick. Ever, ever, ever.
Patrick: *grabs ticket away* Okay, thanks. *he goes back to the boys’ table*
Jeff: That looked like a ‘dumping’ conversation.
Patrick: It was.
Jeff: How’d it go?
Patrick: She took it okay. *Steve just stares ahead and mouths ‘fish course’ to himself.

Cut to Susan and Sally, nursing drinks by the bar.

Susan: Would you consider a naked man in socks?
Sally: I would consider anything except animals and ‘Tories’.
Susan: Maybe Angus Deayton.
Sally: What?
Susan: I think Angus could pull off naked-in-socks.
Sally: Susan, you’ve gotta get past this Angus thing.
Susan: I’m trying! So how’s the Patrick thing going?
Sally: It isn’t.
Susan: I told you he wasn’t your type.
Sally: I’m surprised he was ever yours! What did you see in him? He’s so dull! I need personality, verve, humor. At least now I know why you called him donkey-brain!
Susan: Actually, I called him ‘donkey’.
Sally: Yeah, but I got the point.
Susan: …No you didn’t.
Sally: *looks at Susan* What? …You mean… you mean…?
Susan: Some men are born lucky. Some men are born very lucky.
Sally: What was Patrick born?
Susan: A tripod.
Sally: …You let me dump a tripod! You bitch!!
Susan: Oh, come on. You would’ve dumped him anyway!
Sally: There are different levels of dumping, Susan. There’s dumping, plain and simple, and there’s dumping afterwards! *Patrick stumbles forward as he makes his way to the loo*
Patrick: Excuse me, girls. Seem to have a bit of a balance problem. *Sally gasps*

Cut to Steve and Jeff, now on the couch.

Jeff: Okay. Foreplay tip number 3.
Steve: Please, Jeff. No more.
Jeff: Woah, why? You don’t think you need help here? Susan is no ordinary woman.
Steve: Yeah, I doubt I need the advice of a man who wound up having a panic attack at the prospect of sex with her.
Jeff: Listen. Do yourself a favor. When you get to her flat, check out her remote controls.
Steve: Her what?
Jeff: Her remote controls, you know, for uh, telly, or video, or sound system. Check ’em out.
Steve: Why?
Patrick: Are you talking about Susan’s remotes?
Jeff: Ohh, wooh, oh yeah!
Patrick: Amazing isn’t it?
Jeff: Scary!
Patrick: Scared me, too! I didn’t realize a woman could be that shameless! *Steve now looks worried*
Sally: *sits on the armrest beside Patrick, and puts on a seductive voice* So… *she takes the ticket out of Patrick’s shirt pocket* A motor show, you say?
Patrick: I thought you didn’t want to… go?
Sally: I didn’t realize it was such a… big one.
Susan: *grabs Sally by the arm* She’ll be with you in a moment. *pulls Sally aside* What happened to personality, verve, and humor?
Sally: Sod them! After all the men I’ve been out with, I deserve a full-sized one!
Susan: Okay. But I’m not gonna stand here and watch you humiliate yourself. Oh and just one thing.
Sally: What?
Susan: Patrick is a Tory.
Sally: …What?

Cut to Jane entering with a man.

Jane: Well here we all are! I thought I’d find you all here. *she sits on the couch’s armrest beside Steve, and starts touching his hair* How’s my favorite little ex, hmm?
Steve: *tilts his head away, annoyed* Fine.
Jane: Such a good idea staying friends with exes. Take it from someone who knows. Friendship’s more lasting than love, and more legal than stalking! Ooh, everybody, I want you to meet Howard.
Howard: Hi.
Boys: *in unison* Hi.
Howard: Does anyone know if that big ginger bloke’s still working behind the bar here?
Patrick: Sometimes.
Howard: Excellent. He’s uh, an ex of mine. I think I still owe him a slap. I’ll get the drinks. *he goes to the bar*
Jane: Ooohh! Isn’t he just perfect?
Susan: He’s gorgeous!
Jane: And tonight he’s mine.
Steve: Jane! Isn’t he gay?
Jane: …Fascist!
Steve: No! I’m just saying he goes out with men! Not women, men.
Jane: Ta-da! I’m bisexual! *she starts to follow Howard to the bar* Howard!!
Susan: *goes to Steve* Now, I don’t want you to get unduly excited, but I’m off to cook.
Steve: Great.
Susan: You can come and watch… in that order.
Steve: …Great!

Susan walks away, Patrick grins mischievously, & Jeff makes ‘stroking’ movements by his groin. Steve follows Susan, and when he looks back, Patrick was making a biting-nails movement as if in terror, while Jeff is cheekily pressing with his hand like he’s got a remote control. Before they leave, Sally pulls Susan aside.

Sally: Susan, Susan. How Tory? *Susan just nods her head* Okay. How big? *Susan looks at her pointedly and leaves*

Cut to Susan’s flat.

Susan: *calls from the kitchen* I think we’re almost ready.
*she comes into the living area* Don’t you just love oven timers? *she goes back in*
Steve: *starts taking off his coat* I think I have an oven. There’s a square thing in the kitchen. I just put books in it until there was a slight fire incident.

He notices 3 remotes on the coffee table. He examines one of them carefully and tries to click the TV on with it. Susan suddenly screams from the kitchen.

Susan: Oh, yes! Yes!! *Steve drops the remote in shock, and quickly bends to pick it up, just as Susan comes in from the kitchen holding a ladle and wine* I am such a great cook.
Steve: …Oh, I see! Right.
Susan: *puts the wine on the table* You okay?
Steve: Yeah, just, um… *starts clicking the remote again*
Susan: Oh, of course. A man, a television- better leave you two alone. *she heads into the kitchen*
Steve: Is there anything I can do?
Susan: Just relax. Shouldn’t have gotten you here so early. *Steve had started clicking the remote in different angles and positions, but the TV set won’t budge* But if Sally’s gonna humiliate herself, I’d rather she has a smaller audience. It’s my fault, really. I told her something about Patrick I shouldn’t. *comes back in and noticed that the remote isn’t working* Probably the batteries have run out.
Steve: Yeah, I’ll just, um… *opens the back of the remote to find it empty* They’ve also climbed out.
Susan: Oh. I’ll have put them in something else. *Steve checks the other remotes* I’m always running out of batteries.
Steve: No, these are empty, too.
Susan: Oh, hang on! I think I know where they headed up.

Susan goes to the bedroom and pulls something out of her bedside drawer out of camera shot. There’s a vibrating sound as Steve, who followed her to the door, widens his eyes and gazes at the remotes in his hand, his mouth gaping wide. He quickly runs back to the coffee table, just as Susan comes back with a couple of batteries.

Susan: There you are.
Steve: …Thanks.
Susan: What am I thinking? I just bought some new ones! *she heads for a drawer by the couch.* Ta-naa! *she pulls out a large pack of new batteries, Steve’s mouth hangs open* D’you find your batteries always run out really quickly?
Steve: Well, I’ve never had any complaints!
Susan: Sorry?
Steve: *in a wheezy voice* Nothing. *Susan goes back to the kitchen* What was it that you told Sally about Patrick? *she comes back out*
Susan: Oh, just that my ex is a very big boy indeed. Why don’t you watch some telly while I head in the shower.

(Act 2)

Cut to the guys at the bar. They’re having a political conversation.

Patrick: Thing about Blair, right? Thing about Blehh-air, is this country ready for a president?
Howard: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Jane: Exactly.
Patrick: It worries me, that man. The Tories have got to find a way to save the country from him!
Sally: Yes… Yes, I see your point.
Jeff: Woah, woah. You said all Tories should be drowned in their own vomit!
Sally: Doesn’t mean I can’t see their point of view.
Patrick: You know what we need now? We need Maggie back.
Sally: Oh, dear God!
Patrick: What’s wrong with good old Maggie!? You can’t be against her, can you?
Sally: Patrick, it had better be enormous!
Patrick: What?
Sally: …The motor show. It had better be a really big motor show.
Patrick: What are you suddenly bringing up the motor show for?
Sally: Beacause I have never… ‘been’… to a motor show with a Tory! So it’d better be a really big, enormous, throbbing motor show. That’s all I’m saying.

Cut to Susan’s. They’re having dinner. They laugh, and Susan pours more wine into Steve’s goblet.

Susan: You know you’re a lot more fun when you’re relaxed. Not as funny, but a lot more fun.
Steve: Thank you.
Susan: I mean what is about men? I mean, you’re supposed to be the confident ones. You’re supposed to be chasing us! It’d take some of the excitement away if we keep having to shout “Hurry up!”
Steve: Oh, hang on. First dates are more stressful for men. For us it’s the unknown.
Susan: Well, for us too.
Steve: Uh-uh. You know one more thing than we do.
Susan: What?
Steve: Well, you know.
Susan: *laughs* I don’t.
Steve: Okay, um, on a date, right? Any date, I’m not saying this date in particular, um, the guy’s wondering if he’s gonna get lucky… or not. That’s what he’s thinking.
Susan: *nods in agreement* True.
Steve: And the woman, she already knows.
Susan: Also true.
Steve: Now, so you see, we’re dealing with the unknown. *takes goblet for a drink*
Susan: I always thought it was because you were worried about your equipment.
Steve: *sputters his wine in his goblet* M-my what?
Susan: Well, you know, *looks in Steve’s groin’s direction* if he’s gonna fire off too soon or something.
Steve: You uh, you really are upfront, aren’t you? *they laugh* I mean I, personally, never had any worries about premature… *gestures with his hand* firing.
Susan: Just about the unknown.
Steve: Exactly.
Susan: Steve.
Steve: Yeah?
Susan: You’re definitely getting lucky tonight. *Steve is dumbstruck* Just to take the pressure off.
Steve: *gulps* …Well, that’s… great…! T-that’s… fantastic. Thank you.
Susan: You’re welcome.
Steve: See now, *starts to fork some of his food* I… can… *puts food in his mouth* relax. *starts chewing*
Susan: *Steve keeps chewing* …Aren’t you gonna swallow?
Steve: Oh, yeah, I’m getting there!

Cut to the bar.

Howard: Maggie Thatcher, in my opinion-
Sally: Now listen to this, Patrick. This is the voice of an oppressed minority.
Howard: …Maggie Thatcher is the best Prime Minister *Patrick starts pumping his fist in the air* this country has ever had!
Sally: How dare you say that! You’re gay! You’re on our side!
Jane: Actually Sally, Howard doesn’t think of himself as gay.
Howard: Yes, I do.
Jane: Look, there are no homosexuals. There’s just peoplesexuals.
Howard: No Jane, there are definitely homosexuals.
Jane: Howard!! Do you want gay men to be labeled?
Howard: Yes! That would be fantastic!
Jeff: Must be a lot easier being gay. I mean, sex must be a piece of piss if you’re gay.
Howard: Why’s that?
Jeff: Well, ’cause if you’re gay, right? If you’re gay, masturbation is practice! You know, you can have a good ol’ practice on your own. And you know, when you’re ready, when you’ve got the hang of it, you have a go on someone else’s! It’s a piece of piss!
Howard: That’s a very good point, actually.
Sally: No, it’s not, it’s homophobic, you stupid queen!
Howard: It is not in the least bit homophobic!
Jane: Hello!? There’s no such thing as homophobia, there’s just peoplephobia.
Jeff: See, i-it’s different, it’s different when you’re a straight bloke. When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it’s not a drill! You know, gays, they’ve got their own practice kit, but you don’t get any practice women! We’re supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in ’em. *Patrick and Howard laugh*
Sally: That’s not funny. ‘Get in them’ is not funny!
Patrick: Oh, don’t be so piecey.
Howard: Typical lefty puritan.
Sally: Typical what? Come the revolution-
Patrick: What revolution!? You guys are in power! We’re the revolution now!
Sally: No. No, it can’t be right.
Patrick: You’re the evil empire.
Sally: No!
Howard: Yes! Like Star Wars, and Patrick and me are the rebel alliance. *he and Patrick start doing the Star Wars theme, Jeff joins shortly after*
Sally: No! You’re not the goodies, we’re the goodies! We’re lefties!! We’re always goodies!
Patrick: *puts glass on his mouth and makes a Darth Vader voice* No, Sally. You’re the establishment.
Sally: Don’t say that! You bastard.
Patrick: Ah, you can’t call me bastard anymore, that’s oppressive. *does a mock wail* You’re oppressing me! *Jeff starts to get up for the loo*
Sally: *grabs Jeff’s sleeve* Are you going to the loo?
Jeff: Yeah.
Sally: Wait and go with Patrick. There’s something I need to know.
Jeff: *looks confused at Sally’s request* What?
Sally: Just wait and go with Patrick! *pushes Jeff back in his seat*

Cut to Susan’s. They’re talking on the couch.

Susan: So what about Jane?
Steve: Jane?
Susan: Your ex. I mean she’s very beautiful. Hope I can measure up.
Steve: Well, I hope I can measure up to your ex- *realizes what he just said and quickly takes a nervous sip of wine*
Susan: Patrick, oy, sweet. It’s kind of difficult meeting your predecessors, isn’t it?
Steve: Ah, yeah. I used to go out with this girl years ago. Her ex was like this… big, muscle-bound god. I always uh, I was really intimidated until she told me that everytime they’re in bed together, and he was um, on his way in, so to speak, he used to go, “Geronimooo!!” *Susan laughed* After she told me that, it wasn’t really a problem.
Susan: Yeah, I remember Patrick doing something like that.
Steve: Really? What, what?
Susan: Yeah, well, everytime he was ‘making an entrance’ as it were, he’d say “Just say when.” *Steve just looks at her dumbfounded* Anyway, that’s enough chat.
Steve: About exes.
Susan: About anything.

Susan stands and extends out her hand as invitation, which Steve takes, and off they go to the bedroom. Camera pans to Steve looking back to the huge battery pack on the coffee table.

Cut to the bar. Jane and Howard are now at a far-off table.

Howard: Jane, I hope you don’t mind. There’s something I need to get straight.
Jane: Not at all, this is much more romantic.
Howard: Yeah, um, you see I-I’m beginning to think there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding here. This is not a date.
Jane: Ohh, God. Oh, there has been a misunderstanding, Howard. This is a date.
Howard: Jane? I’m gay!
Jane: No problem. So am I!
Howard: No you’re not.
Jane: Well I’m a little bit gay.
Howard: And if you were, that would be two problems.
Jane: Homophobe!
Howard: No, I’m homosexual!
Jane: Uhh, Howard, I know you’re a homosexual. That doesn’t mean you don’t go out with women just like any other man!
Howard: Look. Look over there. *points to Patrick and Jeff at the couch* Two straight men. They go out with women. You don’t expect them to go out with each other, do you?
Jane: Yes, of course I do, now and then, if it’s convenient!
Howard: No, no you don’t!
Jane: Uhh, I expect they’re always nipping off at each other for a cuddle. *turns back to Howard* It’s just you who’s narrow-minded.
Howard: Jane! I am gay. And I’ve always, ALWAYS been gay. I was the sperm at the back going *puts hand on cheek* “No, don’t send me to that big scary cave!” I was the only sperm that had to be chased by the egg. Don’t you get it!? I’m gay!!
Jane: Well. You certainly seem to be under that impression.

(Act 3)

Cut to the couch with Patrick, Sally, and Jeff.

Sally: You like Portiller(?)?
Patrick: I nearly cried when he lost his sleep.
Sally: That’s illegal! *she notices that Jeff had stood up again to go to the loo* Hang on!

Sally goes after Jeff.

Sally: Don’t go yet! You’ve got to go with Patrick!
Jeff: You’re weird! You’re weird, you are!
Bartender: Jeff Murdoch! Is there a Jeff Murdoch here!?
Jeff: Yeah?
Bartender: Phone call for you.
Sally: No, listen-
Jeff: Keep away for me!! *he goes to the phone by the bar* Hello?

Cut to Susan’s bedroom.

Steve: Jeff! It’s Steve.

Cut to the bar.

Jeff: Steve! How’s it going?
Steve: *over the phone* Yeah, fine. Great.

Cut to Susan’s bedroom.

Steve: She’s in the bathroom, doing whatever they do-

Cut to the bar.

Jeff: Things are getting seriously weird here, let me tell you. That Sally is a really weird person.

Cut to Susan’s bedroom.

Steve: Y-yeah, whatever. Look, um, mate, I need you to do something for me.

Cut to the bar.

Jeff: What?

Cut to Susan’s bedroom.

Steve: When Patrick goes to the loo, can you go with him?

Cut to the bar. Jeff looks stunned, then hurriedly slams the receiver down.

Cut to Susan’s bedroom.

Steve: Jeff?? Jeff!? *looks at phone*

Cut to the bar. Jeff, in shock, goes over to Jane & Howard’s table.

Jeff: Can I sit here?
Howard: Sure, no problem.
Jane: It’d be nice to have someone open-minded at the table. *looks at Howard pointedly* Someone flexible.
Jeff: It’s really weird tonight!
Jane: People are behaving a little oddly, I must say.
Jeff: Glad someone else has noticed.
Jane: *looks over her shoulder* Oh look, Jeff. Patrick’s gone to the loo. Why don’t you go with him? Have a bit of a cuddle.

Jeff is seen in the background looking like he’s about to go nuts. Sally suddenly grabs him by the collar.

Sally: I. Need. You! *drags Jeff off*

Cut to the loo. Sally pushes Jeff inside, where Patrick is seen standing at the urinal, and waves him to go stand beside their peeing friend.

Cut to Susan’s bedroom. Steve has decided to peruse Susan’s bedside drawer.

He opens it to find a framed photo of Angus Deayton. He grimaces and looks in the bathroom’s direction, as if weirded out a little. He pulls out the photo and sets it aside, only to find another Angus Deayton photo in a different pose. Then he sees something, and his eyes widen. He gulps.

Cut to the loo. Jeff surreptitiously tries to look at Patrick’s schlong. He looks over Patrick’s shoulder and gets a shocked, disbelieving look on his face. He forgets his manners and moves closer for a better look.

Cut to Susan’s bedroom. Steve is pulling out the drawer, but doesn’t stop until he reaches the far wall. Camera pans to the pained expression on his face.

Cut to the same scene, only the drawer was just pulled out like normal. It had only been in his head, it seems.

Susan comes out of the bathroom in her undergarments, and Steve jumps.

Steve: Um… I-I was just-
Susan: Mm-hmm. But can it mow the lawn.
Steve: I think the next model that comes out has its trimmer attachment.
Susan: D’you really?
Steve: Wha-?
Susan: *Susan suddenly shoves him down the bed, and jumps on top of him* I’ve got this feeling you’re getting unrelaxed again.
Steve: No, no- *Susan kisses him*
Susan: Don’t worry. I know just the thing.

Susan goes down on him, and we see Steve closing his eyes in nervousness. His expression changes to that of confusion. Suddenly, we see his socks being thrown at his face. Steve picks them away, only to be replaced by Susan’s lingerie. Steve lifts up his head and smiles. Susan comes up on top of him again.

Susan: Now. Let’s get squelchy. *they kiss*

“Meanwhile at the BBC…”

Mariella Frostrup enters through a door and stops. Angus Deayton picks up his soda from the vendo and looks up. He gasps, and the scene changes to an opaque one, and a romantic musical score is queued. Mariella comes up to Angus.

Angus: Mariella!
Mariella: Angus.
Angus: You look… you look…
Mariella: So do you.

Angus laughs, and in his excitement, accidentally pops his soda open, spilling soda foam all over.

Angus: I’m terribly sorry. God, are you alright?
Mariella: It’s okay, it’s fine.
Angus: So, so… so sorry.
Mariella: Don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys. *Angus suddenly looks offended* Why did I say that?



~ by iamnotfrodo on May 5, 2008.

One Response to “Coupling, Ep.2 “Size Matters””

  1. Couple of mistakes in here. It’s a non-stop nationwide virtual shag, and I think he’s just going “Bleeeeeeegh!” rather than “there”. Also, it’s Michael Portillo of Conservative Party fame, who subsequently lost his seat, not his sleep. I haven’t had a chance to read through the whole thing, but I’ll give you a shout if I spot any more.

    Excellent work nevertheless!

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