Don’t Mind This Pariah, He’s Just Venting

A female friend just txted me a quote a few hours ago. It was too long, and I have a very, very short attention span, so it was lost on me after the first two lines. What struck me the most was that at the end it said, “Miss you!”

Funny how the first word that came out of my mouth was, “Bitch.” I literally laughed when I said it. I was so surprised, I wasn’t even angry at her. It was like an automatic reflex or something. But seriously, I wasn’t mad at her. I don’t know why I said it, and that just bothers me.

Well, okay, so maybe I do. That friend was one half of the pair that made me fell like shit about a week or so ago. It just sucks because what they did was perfectly harmless, and somehow, it affected me to the core. What can I say, I have severe abandonment issues, and this is the baggage that I come with. I just don’t understand how I try and try so hard to be friends with them and they still make me feel like the perpetual outsider. One day, you think you’re doing great, but then they take you for granted and they leave you out of their lives like you don’t matter the next. At some point, I think in this kind of relationship you get tired and it just makes you go “God, what does it take!?” because you realize that no matter what you do or how hard you try, you’re never gonna be that close.

I long to have that kind of relationship with someone, anyone really. I wanna be able to share what I think every waking minute of every day, no matter how mundane, and not have them judge me. I wanna be that someone they can rely on when they need someone to vent to or when they need someone to hang with. People like my friend just makes me think that I’m wasting my time trusting them with my whole being, when there’s this invisible wall that’s forever going to remain upright between us, and I’m never gonna be able to break that down and get the same treatment back.

But seriously though, I’m not mad. I mean it, and I’m sorry if my initial gut reaction to her message was so vile. But after what they did (it’s very minor, so normal people who don’t have deep issues and troubled minds won’t get why it made me react so harshly) and what I’ve realized, I know something about me changed, something about our friendship. It’s like… I don’t know… it’s like I’m over people like them or something. Whatever friendship we had now seems so superficial, and I’m ready to move on to bigger and better things. In a way, things are bittersweet. I’ve had some really great moments with those people. But I need, no, I want to save myself for people who will actually care. I don’t want the people who will truly love me to just have what’s left of a broken me.

I have decided to be friends with these people still. But I can’t fake the way I feel. I’m sorry, but I just can’t find it in me to go back to the way things were.

Advertisements

~ by iamnotfrodo on May 13, 2008.

3 Responses to “Don’t Mind This Pariah, He’s Just Venting”

  1. Why not be friends but take it all with a grain of salt?

  2. ” I wanna be able to share what I think every waking minute of every day, no matter how mundane, and not have them judge me. I wanna be that someone they can rely on when they need someone to vent to or when they need someone to hang with.” – honestly, this is also what im feeling right now…

  3. @Kristie

    i guess u’r rite…

    @Marea

    aw, pat urself on the back for me. 🙂
    we should have a drink sometime…

Comments are closed.

 
%d bloggers like this: